Men, your advice?? Does tough love work?

My estranged husband and I have been battling issues for our entire relationship, and it is now definately to the breaking point. Most of the time I feel like an enabler to his bad habits and destructive behavior. But, because I love him, it is difficult for me to say no or be strict with him in any way. He does not have difficulty being tough with me, and it always get's a reaction from me. How can I really toughen up with him, to stop enabling him and envoke a change? I prefer not to ';play games'; but at this point everyone is telling me to stop enabling him, stop making myself available to him. The nicer and more helpful I am to him, the more distant our relationship gets. Would it really get through to him if I acted the opposite?Men, your advice?? Does tough love work?
Just be yourself. When you are in your 'enabling mode' you are not being yourself. You learned that. In your true 'self' you would never tolerate being the 'reactive passive' side of the co-dependency you described in your question. In reality, you are playing games. You are playing your game and he's playing his. That's co-dependency.





If you love him ... you'll learn to say ';NO';!!! Otherwise, the 'game' will keep going on and on and on and on .....Men, your advice?? Does tough love work?
First, your man is not a man. It sounds like he is an immature self absorbed waste. Go see a couples counselor, it will make or break this.
It's hard to tell if acting the opposite would work or not. Some guys like a woman who is 'in charge' but are afraid to admit it as society doesn't always look kindly on him or thinks of him as not being 'manly'.





Try it once or twice, and see how he reacts to it. You don't have to be a B--ch about it, but be firm and bit ';bossy';. See if he reacts (be aware that the first time you are like that he probably won't 'get it' so he probably won't react (well he may react as the ';MAN he is supposed to be'; would react - so ignore that.) But it is possible that he will think about it and decide he likes it... so do it a second time a day or so later, after he's had time to think about what happened.





If after the second time he doesn't respond, I would say to drop it and be satisfied that at least you tried.





But I would recommend that you give it a shot, you may find there is something in this guy worth salvaging.
look at his past if his mom waited on him h and ft then theres a problem. The only way it can be done is tell him no and stick to your guns don't get violent but just stay firm and say no. Trust me it work my wife did it too me.
Yes, you are an enabler. The moment you allowed everything to start and then allow it to continue, you became one.





However, if you are tired of the BS and need it to stop to save your marriage, then you have to put your foot down. You cannot allow anymore crap o happen, and it is more for your sake than his.





If he wants to continue on his path of self-destruction, then he will have to do it without you.





You have to make a stand and stand firm. Hard to do, but you have to do it. He will make his choices as to what he wants to do.





Good luck
If you aren't already involved with a marriage counselor - get one. While in session get brutally honest about the situation and try and work things out there with an objective guide. She/he may also want to meet with your husband separately to work on his bad habits and issues.





Yeah, it's time to get tough. Start with demanding that you two go to counseling, and put it to good use by airing all the dirty laundry there. You may want to suggest a separation to the therapist. That, in my opinion, will go along way to wake him up. Let him try and fumble around without you, he'll see how much he's come to depend on you and may quite possibly stop taking you for granted. It may make you two realize that you do want to stay together and it may draw you together. Then again, you may learn that you function better apart from one another.





Good luck!
To answer your question, if you acted the opposite, you'd get two reactions, either things will become more turbulent (cause resentment and more conflict), or he may actually get the point (that would be rare).





It sounds like there's more going on here, and that you need to get to the root of these issues. In order to invoke change, both of you are going to want to make that change happen. If only one person is working to invoke change, it rarely works out the way they want it too.





It sounds to me like you aren't really communicating. You have a few choices here, work with your husband get counseling to resolve the issues, do nothing and keep getting stressed out and treated unfairly til you leave, or keep spending cycles trying to find things that may work, not work or just work for a little while.





Good luck
i cant understand,how can we be tough with our women.they do everything in our live and we payin them nothing .ppl its time to heal our women and respect them.and about ur quistion look ...u have to be patient with him and give him another chanc but dont let him beat u down or scratch ur prid.but u have to try understand him and to know whats the problem with him .why he treat u like that? and dont make ur posetion without give him another chance and take care
first of all I see that you are very sensitive person that you still loves and enables him after all he's been doing . and I think that he is such a lucky man that has a wife like you .


but my advice to you is , don't be tough , it doesn't work . battling will increase and your relationship will totally destroyed and you will get soon to the breaking point . a husband with such a destructive behavior usually takes destructive decisions without realizing the bad sequences that may happen after this until it's too late .


and my advice to you is to discuss with him and to say to him that you can't stand this any more and tell him also that you are saying that because you love him, and don't want to get to the breaking point so ask him to try to change his destructive behavior , and also tell him that you know that won't be easy for him to be done , and it comes gradually , a bit by bit .


may be when you talk with him like this , he tries to think that he may loose you if he didn't' change , and if he really loves you . he won't let such a sensitive and faithful wife like you to be lost from him .


and if he didn't respond ,then you should brake up quietly without fighting , and that's all .
Your playing games anyway so you might as well win. Listen carefully to what I'm about to tell you. It's a law of human nature. Would you like to know? It's the ultimate human law formula and it goes like this '; People want what they can't have and they want more of that which they have to work for'; . This is not a game, this is not some philosophy. This is a law of human nature. It works everytime. This and other insightful tips can be learned from a book called ';Get Anyone To Do Anything';. It's written by a famous psycholigist named David J. Lieberman. Back off a little and watch him start to chase you. It works. It can't not work. I'm interested in how it works for you. Please let me know of any improvements in the relationship if its not to much trouble. Contact me at Boomerang2607@yahoo.com Good Luck. Not that you need it now!!!
';It is difficult for me to say no or be strict with him...'; He's your husband, not your kid, and you say you've had ';issues'; your entire relationship. He's no good for you. Move on.
Stop trying to change him, file for divorce, and move on.





That'll send a real message.
Yes. DOn't enable. just an invitation for more pain delivery. It's not wrong to get tough w/ somebody to train them to act better.